Aggressiveness is from Mars, Passiveness is from Venus, but Assertiveness is to Own Your Space
Why is it pervasive that women in business, especially early in their careers, often wait to be invited to the table? Why don't they ask to be invited?
I focus specifically on women in business here because that is where my experience accrues and, therefore, where I am most qualified to speak. However, it is pervasive in the workplace in general. To show up uninvited is aggressive and, in my experience, male. To ask to be invited, especially with sound reasoning, is assertive. To wait and risk not being invited is passive, unproductive, and, unfortunately, often feminine. Being passive may signify good manners at the dinner table. Still, nothing good can come from being passive in the workplace.
Why am I qualified to encourage women to be more assertive?
I graduated from business school "back in the Nineteen Hundreds" (1983, to be exact) when the number of women in business was rapidly growing. They were getting MBAs, developing management and strategic skills, and becoming valued for more than just fast typing and" fetch the coffee" skills. It was also when my father strongly advised that if I wanted to be a professional working woman, I should attend Medical School and become a Pediatrician. Little did he know that thought only revved up my spirit rather than deter me from what he felt was socially unacceptable for women. So, I got a graduate degree in business and went off to join the ranks of Corporate America. I worked my way up to executive levels, passively accepting any promotions and invitations that came my way. Then, during the great recession, I passively accepted my pink slip. My life changed, but in November of 2008, I assertively took control of my life. I no longer needed a hefty title and paycheck to validate my being. Never again was I going to passively leave my future up to "the man"! I moved on to become a professor of business and entrepreneurship at the country's oldest educational institution for women. I served on not-for-profit boards and became deeply involved in helping my community. I created my second career and thrived on helping hundreds of young women pursue their dreams! Still do.
Part of my inspiration for talking about why women should be more assertive comes from my experience dealing with so many women at Salem College, where I gained a significant sampling of female behaviors and tendencies. However, my more specific inspiration just came this weekend from my 30-year-old daughter. She followed in my footsteps, getting an education in business. She is currently working for a financial technology firm in Charlotte, NC. We had a "catch up on life" conversation in our backyard. She was discussing how one of her mentors, a high-level executive within the firm, purposefully sought her out to discuss the potential for a strategic (and promotional) move for her career. A move that she is well suited to take on and, more importantly, one that she was excited about. She was lamenting that she did not show much enthusiasm for the change and may have given him the impression that she wasn't very interested. During their talk, she processed the information without showing excitement about the opportunity. Understandable and easy to do.
It was Saturday, and she had been waiting to hear from him for a week. I told myself, don't think about how or why she came across to him as disinterested - that is a psychological rather than behavioral question. As such, I didn't grill her; I merely suggested what she could do. I suggested she be assertive and write him an email thanking him for approaching her with the opportunity and stressing her interest. Short and to the point, professional, and most of all, assertively proves that she wants an invitation to the chance. No demands, not aggressive.
Her response could have been more impressive. She replied, "I don't want Erin (her mentor) to think I am pushy …if he wants to pursue me for the role, he will." I asked her why she was making him do all the work. It is like wanting someone to call and ask you out on a second date when they already asked you at the end of the first one! Being passive is a great way to ensure she loses the opportunity. By emailing him, she had nothing to lose and everything to gain. She also tried to use the crutch, but it was too late because it had been a week. That got to me. If he did leave the conversation thinking she wasn't interested, then there was one surefire way of ensuring he continued to think so. And that insurance was getting stronger with every day that passed. Being assertive has no time dimension. However, you can use it as a tactic to reverse a past passive stance.
Assertiveness is part of the power to create your destiny. Consider the adage," If you don't ask, you may never receive." While the adjectives passive and aggressive don't have a gender, society over the past has rewarded males for being aggressive and strong. It has set expectations for women to be passive and polite. Remember in the 2016 debates, when Hillary Clinton raised her passionate voice, she was labeled aggressive. When Trump raised his voice, he was a leader. Go figure.
Society has generally based these norms on logic and reasoning. However, aggressive and passive gender stereotypes are changing, thank goodness! So, as they are changing, take advantage. I encourage women to find the sweet spot (so to speak)—be assertive. Ask for what you want. Support your "ask" with sound reasoning. And don't assume the other person will think any less of you. Indeed, a reasonable person will admire it.
I always try to support my point with a question - are there any downsides to consider? In most instances, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. However, if the risk is high, it is wise to consider the pros and cons and the "what ifs." Back to my daughter's dilemma, she said, "What if he had already made his decision?" It seemed she was giving herself an excuse for not taking action rather than analyzing the pros and cons. If he had made the decision, it is what it is. If he hasn't, she has everything to gain and nothing to lose.
Assertiveness is indeed about owning one's space and taking control of one's career/life trajectory. It is about expressing one's thoughts, needs, and desires clearly and respectfully, without passivity or aggression. This skill is essential for anyone in the workplace, but it can be particularly empowering for women who have historically been encouraged to be more reserved. Encouraging women to be assertive is not just about individual success; it is about changing the broader culture of business to be more inclusive and equitable and creating a more diverse and dynamic business environment where everyone, regardless of gender, can thrive.
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